I've had a few good days and a lot of bad days. My whole body seems to rebell at the idea of me being able to function but I can't let myself become catatonic. Depression and stress have done a good job of helping me cripple myself. I try to push, to do things my body used to do effortlessly. I used to be able to go for 3 days with no sleep just finishing a project, no drugs except caffiene and nicotine involved. Now, I can barely stay awake for long enough to take care of my 6 yr old. I keep thinking "I can do this, I'm better than this." and I'm just not. My sheer force of will is not enough to sustain me and I feel almost dead inside some days. I used to be so powerful, what happened to me? Then I remember, my life has changed. Since that time, I've loved and lost then found love again, had a child, and aged 10 years. Sometimes it feels like just a month ago. I was distracted going home and found myself driving to a place I lived 8 years ago. I wonder sometimes if it's the disease or the fact that I've lived in the same town for my whole life. I feel myself being choked. It's a bit like realizing your whole life has been lived in a box and you just realized theres a lid. Or someone tricked you into a box and you didnt know there was a lid. I want to scream and scream and scream until my eyes bleed but it wouldn't help. This can't be all bad, right?
So onto the update. After the doctors told me this was irreversible and there were no real options, I didn't know what to do. They suggested that I apply for disability, and I didn't want to. I was convinced the Gastroparesis would just magically go away and I could go back to my life, my job, and my future. Instead I got sicker, and sicker. I'm in the process of applying now, and I'm doing my best to accept my new life. It's hard for me to go from active and always doing something to... nothing. Or different things. *Sigh* Acceptance of sucky stuff is awful. Blah.
So onto the update. After the doctors told me this was irreversible and there were no real options, I didn't know what to do. They suggested that I apply for disability, and I didn't want to. I was convinced the Gastroparesis would just magically go away and I could go back to my life, my job, and my future. Instead I got sicker, and sicker. I'm in the process of applying now, and I'm doing my best to accept my new life. It's hard for me to go from active and always doing something to... nothing. Or different things. *Sigh* Acceptance of sucky stuff is awful. Blah.
