Update - Disability

I've had a few good days and a lot of bad days.  My whole body seems to rebell at the idea of me being able to function but I can't let myself become catatonic.  Depression and stress have done a good job of helping me cripple myself.  I try to push, to do things my body used to do effortlessly.  I used to be able to go for 3 days with no sleep just finishing a project, no drugs except caffiene and nicotine involved.  Now, I can barely stay awake for long enough to take care of my 6 yr old.  I keep thinking "I can do this, I'm better than this."  and I'm just not.  My sheer force of will is not enough to sustain me and I feel almost dead inside some days.  I used to be so powerful, what happened to me?  Then I remember, my life has changed.  Since that time, I've loved and lost then found love again, had a child, and aged 10 years.  Sometimes it feels like just a month ago.  I was distracted going home and found myself driving to a place I lived 8 years ago.  I wonder sometimes if it's the disease or the fact that I've lived in the same town for my whole life.  I feel myself being choked.  It's a bit like realizing your whole life has been lived in a box and you just realized theres a lid.  Or someone tricked you into a box and you didnt know there was a lid.  I want to scream and scream and scream until my eyes bleed but it wouldn't help.  This can't be all bad, right?

So onto the update.  After the doctors told me this was irreversible and there were no real options, I didn't know what to do.  They suggested that I apply for disability, and I didn't want to.  I was convinced the Gastroparesis would just magically go away and I could go back to my life, my job, and my future.  Instead I got sicker, and sicker.  I'm in the process of applying now, and I'm doing my best to accept my new life.   It's hard for me to go from active and always doing something to... nothing.  Or different things.  *Sigh*  Acceptance of sucky stuff is awful.  Blah.

I hate my stomach

Feel awful today.  I've felt awful for about a week now.  My stomach looks like I just went rounds with a buffet and feels like i ate a lead weight that is trying to push its way out through the front of my stomach.  I've been following my diet with only minor slipups. I haven't really left my house in 2 weeks because of the pain.  I'm just so worried I'm going to get somewhere and not be able to leave.  Throwing up, extreme nausea and dizziness hit me so fast it scares me.  Any one of these can cause me to need to at least sit for a half hour to let it pass.  Not good at the mall by yourself.  I feel like a housepet.  Or plant.  When I do finally feel well enough to do anything I have to spend my whole day trying to catch up on housework and life.  Bah.  Then the cycle starts over again.  I tried looking for a job but nothing has panned out.  It is hard to find work when I am sick 4 days out of 7 in a good week.  I am finding the good things in my life are better than I could have imagined.  My 6 yr old son has taken the fact "Mom isn't fun anymore." Really well.  He helps out a lot and understands that sometimes its movie day all day because Mom cant get off the couch.  Or fell asleep again. The shining star has hands down been my boyfriend.  We were together less than a year when I got the diagnosis.  Once I knew what I was dealing with I gave him the option to walk away with no hard feelings.  Its hard to choose to be with a person who will be unable to be fully functional probably forever.  But he refused to leave.  He still wants to marry me and promised that we would get through this.  I'm still sick and he's still here.  Sweet.  This probably sounds stupid but my pets have been a great sense of comfort to me also.  I have 2 old lady cats, 2 cockatiels and fish.  Life is weird and sometimes Iwonder how in the hell I got here.

Continuation

My tummy hurts.  It hurts all the time.  My doctor says I have an issue with my stomach nerves.

Issue of the day - Stress

Stress.  We all know it can cause some major problems, but did you know it can cause Gastroparesis?  It also can aggravate the symptoms to the point you would think you had eaten half a pie and a bunch of celery.  Huge nasty angry tummy time.  Speaking of which, when I've been eating more solid foods I've been taking Schiff brand Super Enzymall.  It has been helping a lot to break down foods.  Also, make sure you do some light excersize after eating, like a walk or yoga. 

Bacon nooooooo! And other tradgedies

I saw the dietician yesterday.  He was a nice guy we will call Dave.  Dave however, is a bastard because he said I can't have bacon.  Well, for now.  Or doughnuts.  I should have cut him when he told me no fatty desserts too (byebye cheesecake) but I didn't and here we are.  I've been put on what is known as a stage 2 Gastroparesis diet, basically liquids with some solids thrown in for fun.  I also am on a diet for acid reflux, just to make things interesting.  I will include the info for the acid reflux diet after the Gastroparesis diet.  Dave wasn't an all bad guy, I did go into that meeting thinking that I was going to slowly starve from chicken broth and mashed potatoes for the rest of my life.  I don't know about you, but I'm a fat kid.  I love food, especially if it has butter.  Or bacon. Apparently there is no bacon in a Low Fat Low Fiber diet.  I refuse to starve!  I've been told the most important things here are to lower my stress, and to go for low fat but don't count the grams of fat because that is added stress.  It is very hard to find low fat recipes that aren't whole wheat this or high fiber that.  Like apples.  I can have apple juice, and baked peeled apples, but no fresh.  For now.  Probably never.  I'm starting small, with a diet of things that I'm sure I can digest (carrot juice, mashed potatoes, white bread), then adding in other things later to see if my body can process it, like higher fat milk products.

I literally asked for this I think.  I've been praying and meditating for years about how I need to make healthy lifestyle choices and lose weight.  I need to be healthier, and to set a better example for my son.  I'd like to look good naked too.  But I didn't want that at the expense of good food.  However, I have been experimenting with my juicer and food processor (I use a Magic Bullet, not the sex toy perv-os)  and I've found some things that are rather good!

What I saved to Allrecipes

Pinning!!!

The Basics as I understand it

So the rundown seems to be I don't have to go to an all liquid diet.  Yay!!!  I love food too much to just eat soup and baby food for the rest of my life.  So here is a list of foods that will aggravate my symptoms, at least from what I have gathered.  I will meet with a dietitian on Monday, and will post the results of that meeting in a following post.

Angry Tummy List:
Fiber
Broccoli
Apples
Berries with seeds
Coconut flesh
Seeded jams and jellies
Figs
Prunes or Prune juice
Oranges
Persimmons
Brussels Sprouts
Green Beans
Legumes
Beans
Potato peels
Tomato skins
Sauerkraut
Fatty Foods
Flax seed
Miso
Tempeh
Popcorn

These foods can lead to formation of a beazor, which is a nasty ball of unprocessed food that can make you very sick, and can even require surgery to remove.  Gross!  So in an effort to not have that happen, no more broccoli cheese baked potatoes.  Bring on the milkshakes!  Just kidding.  Kind of.  My incredibly generous and supportive Mumsey bought me a juicer, so I have been getting some good veggie juice.  Carrot is good, cucumber is good.  My son and I made plum-apple-orange juice, and that was soooo much better.  I will get used to this, and I know I will find better ways to put them together in a way that won't kill me.   Spinach-cucumber-carrot-onion juice with a splash of balsamic vinegar just tasted like a salad, and wasn't bad.  Not the best either, I must confess.  I'm taking multivitamins, as my constant puking has put a bit of a damper on me being able to process healthy foods.  Plus the whole my body refusing to digest anything that is usually seen as healthy has probably put me into a nutritional deficiency.  I tried cucumber juice this morning for breakfast and that was actually really good.  It tasted like chlorophyll so hopefully I won't smell as bad either.  We shall see!  Until next time, may your guts not start a riot!

Diagnosis - Life!

I was recently diagnosed with Gastroparesis.  This news may not have been so scary if I knew what my doctor was talking about at the time.  Gastroparesis is a disease with some unknown causes.  What it means is that the muscles in my stomach don't push food through my digestive tract the way they are supposed to.  There are several treatments, my doctor recommended for me to control what I can with diet, and if that doesn't work we will try some medication.  I started a food journal today, to see what I am eating and hopefully control my symptoms.  My lovely supportive mother bought me both a juicer and a Magic Bullet (blender) to help me on my journey, Thanks Mom!!  As soon as I got home, like any self-respecting 20-something, I hit the internet.  There is not very much information about Gastroparesis on the interwebs, and I think that sucks.  In an effort to show that we are not alone, and to maybe help others live with this disease, I started this blog.  Also I'm hoping it will keep me on track with what I need to do, since this is a lifetime diagnosis, at least for me.

I started throwing up every morning when I was in the 4th grade.  My doctor told me it was allergies.  I have had this problem, not everyday but most, where I wake up, throw up, and get on with my day.  I've had it checked out by several doctors (one of which called me a drama queen) and I got several answers, mostly consisting of "Quit smoking and whining.  You'll live."  and so I did.  I am 27 now, and about July of this year  (was it only 3 months?) I got really sick.  I had a massive lower abdominal infection, and I didn't get better.  I just kept throwing up, and I would do it all day.  It was totally debilitating.  Headaches, exhaustion, sweats, feeling cold, and throwing up stuff I had eaten even 2 days before (gross right?) were the norm.  I kept thinking about I friend I had named Marcy.  Marcy had been feeling run down for about 6 months, and went to see a doctor.  He told her she was just tired.  A few doctors later she found out she had stage 3 cancer, and was dead in 2 years.  She told me several times, "Don't listen to someone that says there is nothing wrong with you when you know there is.  You know your body best."  Thanks Marcy, I finally took your advice.  So here I sit with a glass of water, and am very thankful.  Now I know what I can do to keep myself healthy and operational.  I truthfully was expecting cancer, or at least a brain tumor.  At least this is something I can live with.  So, onward and upward!